Random Notes

I'm amused President Bush went on Rush Limbaugh's radio show today to reassure listeners that he plans to win the war on terror. Hearing him tell Matt Lauer "I don't think you can win it. But I think you can create conditions so that those who use terror as a tool are less acceptable in parts of the world" was like handing the Democrats a great big Christmas present with a frilly bow.



Here's hoping that idiotic slip of the tongue makes it into a slew of campaign ads. It'll make a nice contrast to all the times I had to hear Kerry say "I actually voted for the $87 billion before I voted against it."



Somewhere on the campaign trail, Bush's handlers are showing him the Matt Lauer clip and swatting him with a newspaper. "No! No! Bad boy!"



Speaking of the GOP, does anyone else think the Democratic National Convention had better production values? Seeing the Republicans' show, I can't help thinking it looks like they skimped. Didn't they learn anything from Bush in the last three years? Fiscal responsibility is for pussies!

I've switched jobs from Black Mage to White Mage, changing my focus from creating lots of carnage for wandering monsters to healing others. It feels strange to be bumped back down to Level 1 and losing all of my abilities.

Lots of people congregate at the Auction House every hour of the day.

I found myself running around outside the walls of San D'oria and healing anyone I encountered. One lady is simply "babysitting" the account for soldiers serving overseas who didn't want to lose their characters while they were gone. She seemed to be enjoying herself, although she wasn't certain she could hit their addiction levels.



I had to focus on killing rabbits again, since they were the only creatures which wouldn't kill me in a single blow. The only Black Mage spell I can cast right now is "Stone," which is enough to do most of the damage. Because it is my support job, my abilities are capped at half the main job's levels. WHM 10/BLM 5, WHM 12/BLM 6, etc. It only took a few hours to get to Level 5, at least. My rampant bunny slaughter also resulted in lots of hides to sell at the Auction House.



When I hit Level 10 in this job, I'll switch back to Black Mage and start going on missions again. I want my Chocobo license, dammit! Running from location to location is annoying when there are beautiful giant birds I could be riding.

Holy-freaking-crap, Batman! My entry about the abuse of my door buzzer is a finalist for a "Best Rant" Diarist Award. Sweet. I don't think I have a chance against InvincibleGirl's entries -- "Obscenity Again" had me laughing out loud -- but it's always nice to be recognized.

I finally have my support job in Final Fantasy XI



Friday night's trip to the dunes was a major disaster for me. We had a rotten tank who wouldn't use Provoke every thirty seconds to keep the monsters from attacking the mages. When I kindly pointed out that we needed to know when he was using Provoke, he blew me off and said "You just cast your spells and I'll take care of you." He was full of shit. Even a low-level spell was causing monsters to charge me. I also jumped one of the players for using the word "fag," and told him if he used it again in a derogatory manner they'd be looking for a new black mage in their party.



Despite the idiot boy masquerading as a tank, the experience might not have been too bad. Unfortunately, he was impatient and wanted to fight Pugils, these ill-tempered fish thingies which swarm the beach. Killing one would deplete our magic, which meant we'd have to rest, which meant our tank would get more impatient. The tank died four or five times and couldn't understand why it was because he was a stupid fucktard. I finally gave up and left.

Man, I want my own pet dragon. You even get to name it.

Saturday and today, in contrast, were much more relaxed affairs. I'm in the slow-and-steady mode for this game: I'd much rather take my time by taking on enemies who are easier to kill than go for a bunch of incredibly tough monsters where the large experience strides are knocked out by constantly dying and being penalized. One guy in the party was playing a Dragoon and had his own pet dragon to join the fights. That would be so cool to have.



I completed the quest to obtain a support job, which means I'll soon be switching over to White Mage. I like the idea of being able to deal out large quantities of damage as a nuker while also being able to serve as a backup healer. Or being a white mage who can nuke. Eventually I need to work as a Red Mage to be able to throw out enfeebling spells. All I know is I love playing a mage.

To: Chairman@gop.com, RNCommunications@gop.com

From: Terry L. Estep

Subject: Donnie McClurkin



To Whom it May Concern:



I couldn't help noticing the GOP has invited Donnie McClurkin to perform at the convention in New York. It's bad enough the GOP platform calls for a constitutional amendment to exclude gays from the right to civil marriage, but do you people have to celebrate by putting a right-wing homophobe on stage who says gay people are childkillers and pedophiles?



I suppose I should be grateful. Many of your scheduled prime-time speakers are moderates outside the religious whacko vote you've been courting so heavily these days. It was starting to look like a classic bait-and-switch. McClurkin seems like a more honest depiction of the ideals the GOP holds dear these days. Have fun listening to him perform, because he's certainly not going to win you any votes from the moderates.



Could he do a duet with Pat Boone? That would be stellar.



Terry L. Estep



terryestep@hotmail.com

www.mysterysteps.com

As promised, here's the new column about Abercrombie & Fitch's latest West Virginia T-shirt offering. I still think the shirt is pretty funny, but I didn't bother to mention it. Tom from Out There once sent me a shirt which says "Thank God I'm an Atheist." I love that shirt, but I don't wear it in public very often because that's more confrontational than I like to get. Now if I could just find another "Will Write For Food" shirt to replace my old one...

Stop seeking wisdom on the front of a T-shirt



By TERRY L. ESTEP



It's time to dust off your sense of humor. Here's an old shirt you can use.



Once again, clothing giant Abercrombie & Fitch has raised the hackles of West Virginia officials with another shirt making fun of the state's notorious image as a holler full of incestuous hillbillies. The latest example of caustic couture portrays two gap-toothed children splashing around under the slogan "West Virginia: No Lifeguard at the Gene Pool."



Here we go again.



[ Continue to column... ]

I've decided to change my gaming strategy by staying in the Valkurm Dunes and leveling my little heart out. I want to reach Level 18, complete the quest for a sub-job, and then start developing White Mage skills before I launch into the Windurst missions. It turns out changing citizenship is very freaking expensive.

A small cave near the beach made for a great camp.

I didn't think much of the party I was hanging with today. There were a few decent ones in the mix, but it was too scatterbrained to be very effective. Our white mage, another taru like myself, decided it would be fun to hang out right beside the monster. It's no wonder he died.



The party disbanded after a Goblin Tinkerer threw a bomb which knocked out most of our hit points and then tossed another which killed three of us (including me) and left the others on the edge of death. I saw him readying the second bomb but couldn't get out of the blast radius in time. I hate those fucking things.

Those wascally wabbits at Abercrombie & Fitch are at it again, putting out a new shirt exploiting West Virginia's hillbilly stereotype for profit. Officials are outraged, writing letters, etc., because of the new "West Virginia: No Lifeguard at the Gene Pool" shirt.



Cruel or not, I think it's funny.



I'm not an A&F guy, but I've purchased my share of their catalogs because, let's face it, the guys in it are freakin' stacked. They have a history of crappy business choices like keeping minority employees at the back of the store and the aforementioned shirts, so I don't look to them for socially conscious activity. Why their behavior is so shocking to Governor Wise is beyond me.



Anyway, there'll be a column about it tomorrow.

Wow. Score one for Cheney.

DAVENPORT, Iowa (Reuters) - Vice President Dick Cheney said on Tuesday that he does not personally support a constitutional amendment against gay marriage but accepts President Bush's decision to pursue such a ban as administration policy.



Resorting to unusually expansive language to address an emotional campaign issue that has proved divisive for Republicans, Cheney said he believes individual states rather than the federal government should decide whether to sanction marriage between homosexuals.

Not unexpected that he feels that way, given his earlier comments on the matter, but surprising that he'd bring it up so close to the election. You know the Far Right Jesus People are not going to be pleased. And anything that tweaks their balls and twists their titties is fine by me.



In other news, I received a nice e-mail from Debbie Lawson, lead vocalist for the band Cleavage Rocks, complimenting me on my anti-Bush tirades in the newspaper. I won't be able to attend their Saturday night gig (the downside of not driving), but I downloaded their demo covers from the site. I like her voice. If you're in Marietta Saturday night, drop by the Marietta Brewing Company at 9:45 and enjoy the music.

I love Froma Harrop. Her columns are great, often thought-provoking, and this week she tackles government programs to reduce obesity. I had heaped praise on Tommy Thompson's Small Steps program, so I was interested in what she had to say. This excerpt had me laughing in the newsroom:

I know, I know. The argument is always made that weight programs, if they work, end up saving the taxpayers money. Not so. It's true that states, Medicaid and Medicare all spend large sums on treating diseases caused or made worse by obesity. But over the long run, the American with bad health habits tends to cost taxpayers less money, not more.



May we hold a brutally honest conversation? Everyone dies of something eventually. The difference between people who take care of themselves and those who don't is that the first group dies at an older age than the second. The last few months of a person's life tend to be medically very expensive, whether they occur at 55 or 95.



So the obese smoker who keels over at age 68 saves the taxpayers money. He has probably collected Social Security and Medicare benefits for only three years. The aerobics queen whose careful health habits help extend her life to 90 will have spent at least 25 years in these programs.

I love it. Super Size! It's your civic duty! The arteries you clog today build the clogged highways of tomorrow!

I wish I could link to a story I saw on the wire this morning, because it was alternately heartwrenching and semi-maddening. It's a story out of Kentucky about a prison program which allows mentally- or emotionally-disturbed inmates to join their own Boy Scout troop. The prisoners have to have a mental age below 18, play well with others, and have or be working toward a high school degree. The scouting organization sanctions the program as long as the inmates agree to have nothing to do with scouts upon their release.



It's an interesting way to keep inmates occupied and teach them skills to help them when they get out. I applaud the minds who came up with it. Of course, letting a disturbed 42-year-old man convicted of murder join the Boy Scouts is fine. At least he's not an atheist or gay. We wouldn't want to let one of those sickos join.



This is why I should be a drinking man.

When I play Final Fantasy XI and someone asks "Do you want to party?" I always think Sure. Where's the beer?



I think I've found a nice balance for my gaming schedule. On weekdays -- when I'm more likely to limit my playing to an hour or so -- I work on fetch quests and raising money for better equipment. Fighting weaker monsters and selling the items they drop at the Auction House takes time, but such farming can be lucrative.

Snippers and Goblins had little chance against our balanced party.

On Sunday, when I can spend the entire day wandering around Vana'diel if I want, I can focus on raising my character's levels.



I completed the first Windurst mission Saturday morning, and later that evening made the long trek and boat ride back to San D'oria while Kristofer watched. Not the most exciting thing to see, admittedly.



I died repeatedly while trying to level up this morning, but having my Black Mage at Level 10 made me attractive to parties. I ended up in the Valkurm Dunes with a group of five other players, camping in a small inset in a rock formation, and killing scores of monsters. In these camp-and-pull sessions, a fast member of the party (the "puller") runs out and finds a monster, whacks it a good one to get its attention, and then runs back to where everyone else is camped so we can kill it and rack up the experience points.



Being a Black Mage "nuker" is fun. I'm not expected to go anywhere near the monsters and it's the job of the tanks to keep them away from me. I just stay in the back and fire off damaging spells until it dies. As soon as it's dead, I rest and rebuild my magic until the puller comes back with another one.



"Pulling Goblin Ambusher!" the puller yells. "Get ready!"



I took a break to eat a quick dinner and went back to the game to join another party in the dunes. It took three weeks to reach Level 10, and in one day of camping in the dunes I jumped to Level 13. Sweet.

I make chili once or twice a month, and I've been using Hanover kidney beans. I finally started saving the UPC codes from the can and ordered a "Kid Bean" doll when I had enough. It arrived in the mail this morning. It looks like a California Raisin after a few hard years blowing truckers for crack money, but cute. Give me another few months and I'll find him a boyfriend.

After hearing Garth Brooks singing "Friends in Low Places" on the radio, I have to ask this question: Would this song have been nearly as popular if someone else was singing it? Pay attention to the lyrics and you hear a story about an obnoxious drunk who goes where he's not wanted and feels the need to score points off a woman who grew tired of his bullshit a long time ago. He's an unreliable narrator, and I can't help thinking people only like the song because Garth Brooks is charming.

Yes, it's practically a week late and I should've gone on about something else... but I didn't care. I'm going to make a vow to find something semi-innocent for next week. That, or cheese off local taxpayers by arguing the local buses should be equipped with GPS tracking. I ride the bus all the time, so I can have fun stirring the resentment of people who pay for it but never use it.

Sense and sensitivity as Bush flip-flops on anti-terrorist war



By TERRY L. ESTEP



Anyone remember Operation Infinite Justice?



Before the military response to the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks on the United States became Operation Enduring Freedom, it was known as Operation Infinite Justice. Muslim groups helpfully told the Bush administration that, according to the teachings of their religion, Allah was the only one who could dispense "infinite justice."



Recognizing the sensitivities involved, the Bushies changed the name.



[ Continue to column... ]

In Final Fantasy XI news, my decision to walk away from the leveling-up-at-all-costs hysteria and focus on the fetch quests and farming aspects has paid off.

Who let Calista Flockhart run around Vana'diel without an escort?

I had a very relaxing gaming session, running around the plains and killing crawlers to collect their silk for sale at the Auction House. I managed to bring my Black Mage to Level 10 and outfit him with a tunic. He know looks like a proper little nuker and not a hobbit businesman.



I also spent a good deal of time chatting with Feriz, who was running around back in San D'oria. He was killing sheep, so I couldn't resist throwing "Baaaaaa!" comments his way. He was attacked by goblins, and I advised him to try giving them hugs.



"Wouldn't it be great if you could, and then the goblin said 'Nobody's ever done that before' and runs off crying in gratitude," I said.



I attempted the first Windurst mission and was doing well until I ventured into a secret passage and was killed by a giant beetle. Dammit.

Alternative rock! You're the very interesting side
of rock... You sometimes reach the masses,
like Placebo, but mostly you're underground and
stay true to your musical roots... Just keep
what you're doing and churn out that good
stuff!



What genre of rock are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

While Googling offensive t-shirt images for possible inclusion in a story graphic on school dress codes, I stumbled across CorpseClothing.com. The zombie-lover in me, the one who melted when he saw the Shaun of the Dead movie trailer over the weekend, instantly wanted to whip out the plastic and order a few shirts.



My particular favorites: "Jesus forgave me, so why can't my victim's parents?" "Everyone makes mistakes. Mine was leaving her head in the fridge." "Jesus showed me that parties, drugs and vagina are not the way" and my personal favorite, "This t-shirt may contain the word 'Cunt.'"



If I thought I could get it in time for the company picnic, I'd order "Kitten Killer: Discounts Offered for Multiple Drownings."

After running a few fetch quests in San D'oria, I decided it was time to go back to my home city of Windurst. I'd agreed to go on a mission there, and until it was completed I couldn't change my residency and partake in San D'oria's missions. The part I dreaded was the actual journey, but I remembered making the last trip without getting into a single battle. I was willing to risk it. I went to the market square's auction house to see if I could find a traveling companion or two, but nobody was interested.

It's a taru convention on the ferry back to Windurst.

I left the safety of San D'oria, traveled across the La Theine Plateau and even managed to cross the dreaded Valkurm Dunes (where parties go to kill incredibly tough monsters and gain massive amounts of experience points) without incident. When I arrived at the dock, I started talking to a few other players who were traveling to Windurst. With Kitn in the lead, we decided to form a party for safety. One or two monsters were pulled on board the ship by one of the fishermen, but it died quickly.



A long march through the canyon, and the four of us were soon in sight of Windurst's familiar plains. I can't believe I had felt homesick for the place. It's a strange reaction to have, considering the place is just a bunch of one's and zero's on a computer. I led my companions to the magic shop so they could find some new spells, said my goodbyes, and left the party.



With any luck, I'll have everything squared away and can travel back to San D'oria Saturday night. I don't feel so nervous about traveling alone. I can't believe I only spent a week in San D'oria. It seemed like a lot longer than that.



After Sunday's death-laden adventures, I've decided to dial my participation back a bit. The fetch quests and missions are in digestible chunks I can enjoy more than trying to gorge myself every evening at the experience points buffet. I'm saving those big meals for the weekends. I think I'll be happier and enjoy the game more.



* Pause and consider.

In role-playing games, Experience Points are the numerical measure of progress. If you do something right like kill a monster, you're granted a certain number of experience points. If you screw up and die, you lose Experience Points. At set intervals, you accumulate enough Experience Points to move your character to the next Level. Hence, I've started as a lowly Level 1 Black Mage and killed and practiced my skills until I'm Level 9.

I got used to seeing myself lying dead in the ditch this morning.

I died a lot today.



I've learned the value of "putting my flag up," which is a signal to other players you want to join a party. If a leader is trying to find players, they do a search and every player with their flag up in that region is listed. The first group I partied with in the La Theine Plateau this morning lacked a decent tank and I ended up dead. The party disbanded and I was constantly attacked trying to make my way back to the safety of San D'oria. I died repeatedly. It's a miracle I didn't get bumped back down to Level 8 for my errors.



A balanced party sought me out later for more power leveling. Finally, a group with two tanks and some healers! I had fun traveling with them and getting their advice on the game. We trudged back onto the plateau for a "camp and pull" session: a member of the party wanders out, attacks a monster, and leads it back to where we're waiting. The practical upshot of this technique is keeping the monster's friends from joining in the fight. Unfortunately, they pulled in a tough orc which slaughtered everyone and came very close to killing me before I managed to fire off one last spell to destroy it. I got a ton of experience points since I was the only one left, but then I had to wait until the party made its way back to me while hoping nothing sinister would find me first.



The party got to me and decided to log off, leaving me stranded again. I managed to get back without incident (after the morning's ordeal, I was better at dodging orc patrols), but I was annoyed. I finished the day with almost the same Experience Points I had at the beginning. I learned from my mistakes, but there should be a rule against stranding mages. That's just not right.

This week's column avoids politics entirely and sees me trying to predict a media trend. I could easily be wrong, but that's okay. It's mostly me pretending to be very interested in Topic A (stories about morbidly obese people)while really complaining about Topic B (media sensationalism).



And before you point it out, I'm aware of the irony involved. I'm jumping on an infant trend and trying to coax it into adolescence, making myself a part of the problem. Isn't it funny how that works? No wonder newspaper people drink so much.



It's not like I didn't have Bush administration things I could complain about... like the idiocy of ridiculing Kerry for using the word "sensitive" when Bush and Cheny and Rumsfeld and every other fucking hack in the White House has been using it in their discussions of the "war on terror."

Are we lumbering toward the frenzy of the fatty?



By TERRY L. ESTEP



The curse of the information age is the way 24-hour news media can beat a story to death.



Remember the Summer of the Shark? An 8-year-old lost an arm to a bull shark in Florida back in 2001. Marine biologist George Burgess, quoted in a CNN.com article, pointed out four deaths were linked to shark bites in a worldwide population of 6.5 billion that year. Hamsters, the article pointed out, are more likely to bite than a shark (as a hamster owner, I can relate). The statistics told one story while the media told another.



[ Continue to column... ]

I had a short Final Fantasy XI session tonight. I teamed up with Rimare and Feriz, who were leveling their respective Summoner and Bard characters in the East Ranfaure region by killing goblins. They'd ventured onto one of the plateus and were killed twice.

My taru rests at a goblin campfire with Rimare and Feriz.

We stayed in safer waters and fought goblins, sheep and scarabs until each of us had leveled up.



Rimare is a very different party leader than Chris. Rimare runs willy-nilly from enemy to enemy and doesn't always signal which one we should be hitting first. I'm still too new to the game to know if this is normal. We managed, though. The toughest fight was a party of three orcs; we attacked one and the others joined in. I don't know how we managed to survive.



Mostly I watched the awesome majesty of Call of Duty in multiplayer mode. I've seen it on G4TechTV's Arena, which is all multiplayer games between teams while announcers give commentary as though it were a basketball game. It was fun to watch because some of those players are amazing. K held his own, playing as EvilLikeDubya, and I think he'll enjoy honing his skills against these other guys.

I was flipping channels when New Jersey Governer James McGreevey made the announcement that he's gay and had an affair with another man. He's on his second marriage, too. The annoucement is supposedly preemptive damage control for a lawsuit heading his way.



After the speech, I flipped around to see how the talking heads were taking it. Crossfire's Bob Novak (described by Jon Stewart on The Daily Show as "America's douchebag of freedom") said he didn't think gay people who can't be honest about their sexual orientation should run for office.



Bob... Bob... Bob... Where you paying attention? McGreevey said he was lying to himself long before he was lying to the electorate. It happens so many times it's hardly a surprise; lots of gay people try to convince themselves they're something they're not.



Even though it was damage control, I give McGreevey props for finally being honest and announcing it in a fun way. Extra kudos for not spending the rest of his term saying "That's an outrageous lie!" A third helping of kudos for scheduling his resignation after the November election so his successor can have a year in the big chair (gay or straight, the man is a politician).



Spectacular, my rainbow brother.

I ran around San D'oria for a little while and ran a few fetch quests -- these little errands are a cute diversion when you only want to play a short session, and they build toward higher status with the town's merchants and can inspire lower prices for you at the shops.



The Mithra working at the tanner shop requested three sheep skins, so I set out alone into the wilds. It took a long time before I could even find the sheep, and I quickly realized they weren't going to be fluffy little pushovers. I was too wary of taking them on alone, so I wandered around and fought Scarab Beetles and lower-level Orcs until I reached Lv. 8.

My taru nukes an ill-fated orc who wandered into view.

I was ready to quit when Chris, the co-worker who convinced me I needed to play this game, invited me to join a party he was putting together. He's playing an Elvaan White Mage and had gathered a Summoner, a Warrior or two, and a Red Mage. I met them at one of the outposts dotting the landscape and we set out for a plateau region and lots of leveling up.



"I need sheep skins if we fight any," I said.



"I have two," Chris said, offering to give them to me. "We'll find you another one while we're out here."



"Cool."



I'm still learning party dynamics, but it works something like this. You have your warrior-types who're called "tanks." They're in the party to stay out front and take the heavy damage from an attacking monster. If a monster's attention turns to another player, the tank provokes the monster into attacking him again. Thieves slip in and steal items from the distracted beast. Your spellcasters stay outside the fray; white mages cure the tanks while black mages (aka "nukers") deal heavy damage from a distance. Red mages serve as backup healers and cast enfeebling magic to poison or paralyze the monster. Everyone has a role in a balanced party, and more experienced players will bitch you out if you try to do something you shouldn't. A black mage who keeps trying to physically strike a monster is not going to get many invitations to party.



Chris and I took positions on a low hillside while he sent the tanks to scout for beasts and bring them closer to us. We fought some extremely tough crabs whose shells resisted most of my spells.



I started to see why experienced players get mad at newbies. Our tanks were often slow to provoke the monsters. In two or three battles I pissed off the monster with a spell and saw it turn and charge right at me while the tanks stood there and gawked before they remembered to distract it.



"Provoke," Chris told them repeatedly. "Learn how to use it."



Most of the party had to leave for work and sleep, until the party was reduced to me, Chris, and a warrior. We ended up in some high rocky pass for an hour or so. One of the goblins dropped a scroll with the spell "Bind" on it. Woo-hoo! Now I can keep monsters rooted to one spot so they can't get me. We also took on sheep until I received my third skin.



Chris started leading us back to San D'oria, but the warrior and I died on the way when some superstrong Orc wiped us out. I respawned back at the outpost, said my goodnight, and logged out after asking Chris how'd I'd done.



"Fine," he told me. "Good work."



I have to turn in those sheep skins tomorrow.



I think I'll be staying in San D'oria for awhile. I'll gain plenty of experience by hanging out with Chris.

After a year of being told I had to check out HomeStarRunner.com, I've finally experienced the joy that is StrongBad answering reader e-mail. I'm not sure if he's supposed to be a Mexican wrestler or a supervillain or what, but he's wonderful. There's much to see on the site, all of it silly and very very funny.

I realize this blog is quickly turning into "My Adventures in Vana'Diel." That may be off-putting to longtime readers, but I should point out I don't care. I'll try to make it interesting, but if your eyes glaze over every time you see Final Fantasy XI mentioned here... well, it's not going to get better any time soon and there are plenty of other web pages out there. This site has changed focus a few times since it began as Random Notes, so there you are.



The goal for tonight's session was hooking up with a Rainbow Carnage member so I could join the LinkShell. None of the members were online for the longest time, and I was ready to log off and go to sleep when one of them popped up.

Waiting for the ferry to San D'oria.

"I have someone coming to bring you to San D'oria," Rimare's message said.



I waited outside the Leviathan Gate to East Sarutabaruta until my escort, Feriz, contacted me and said we should meet up at the canyon to the north of Windurst. I've never been to the canyon because the idea of trekking so far away from the safety of the gates scared the bejeezus out of me. I started running and didn't stop except to dodge goblins and nasty crawlers who wanted to munch on my little Tarutaru bones.



Feriz is a Hume Red Mage, and didn't talk much as we set out. I did my best to keep up as we dodged and weaved out of the way of monsters. I didn't realize how vast this game is. There is so much scenery to take in. The canyon was huge and desolate, and once we were out it was another trek to the ferry.



"It's a fifteen-minute ride," Feriz told me as we were waiting on the dock. "I should tell you there are monsters, and pirates attack if it's foggy."



An enormous boat arrived and we stepped inside. A few other players came in and sat down in the hold with us. Feriz wanted to go out on the deck and I followed him, watching land slide by on the horizon.



"That's quite a view," I marveled.



"It is, isn't it?"



God, this game is huge. Leaving Windurst, catching the ferry and trekking through dunes and forests to arrive at San D'oria took at least 45 minutes. We were only attacked once, and Feriz took the beast out in two strikes. Now that's a good escort.



Rimare met us outside the city and gave me the pearl I needed to join the LinkShell. We said our goodbyes to Feriz, who ran off for other battles. I followed Rimare the rest of the way to San D'oria, where we were met by Dakko to a backdrop of a huge battle against rabbits at the gate.



I was just relieved to be out of danger, but I was also smiling because Rimare, Dakko and I were having a "Taru Pride" moment. All three of us were playing diminuative Tarus. It makes me wonder if this is going to be a running theme in Rainbow Carnage members. It would be funny if it were.

In Final Fantasy XI, there's a system called LinkShell. It's basically a chat room for players. To join, a member of the group gives you a small pearl you equip. Once you're wearing it, the conversations play out on the screen as you play. It doesn't matter where any of the players are in Vana'diel.



I started looking around for the gay community in this virtual world and found the forum site Vana'Diel Queer Headquarters. The server I play on, Quetzalcoatl, has a gay/lesbian LinkShell called "Rainbow Carnage" which just started up and has 9-10 members so far. Most of the players are on the other side of the continent in San D'oria, but one of them is going to travel to my city and give me the pearl I need to join.



Coolness.

I had been wondering what a MMORPG like Final Fantasy XI would be like on a Friday night when people have more time to play. Would there be even more people than normal? I was not disappointed. There

Halifirien (me), Vastera, and our badass babysitter, Blacknova.

were a lot of people roaming around my little corner of Vana'diel.



But the best aspect of tonight's game was joining my first party. I wanted to demonstrate some of the more social aspects of the game to Kristofer, so I stopped fighting rabbits and struck up a conversation with another little black mage. We hit it off right away; we're both total newbies with experienced friends who love the game. We decided to form our own party and work together. This way we could gang up on monsters and split the experience points. Suddenly those big caterpillers which had been kicking my ass all week were falling under our combined spells.



Plus there's just something adorable about watching two tiny little Tarutaru running around the plains.



"There's a Goblin Weaver over there," my new companion said.



"Let's kill it," I said, and off we went with our little legs pumping for all they were worth.



We were knocked out twice before we hooked up with a more experience player named Blacknova. She offered to hang with us and use Cure spells to restore our energy while we leveled up. She asked us to wait beside the gate while she ran into town to change jobs. Vastera and I toyed around with the various commands until she came back and joined our party.



She led us to a region I didn't know existed, and we spent the next few hours whaling on giant fish and crabs and lots of other monsters. With the three of us working together, the game became a hell of a lot more interesting. There were some rough moments, but we got through. I only thought I was in love with it before.

This week's column came out smooth and fast, which is good because I didn't write it Wednesday evening as I'd planned. Final Fantasy XI's world of Vana'diel was calling me. I slaughtered many bumblees, bats, and uber-bunnies. I was also knocked on my ass several times.



Last night's excursion was the most fun I've ever had lying unconscious in a roadside ditch. I was knocked out by one of those jacked-up rabbits and lay there fifteen minutes to see what would happen. Two or three adventurers passed by (one of them kneeled respectfully before my body), but hurried on without reviving me. There's something creepy about lying face-down while critters scramble around you... but it was also sorta fun. I finally gave up and went back to the respawn point.



I think I understand why Square Enix makes you click through a screen which tells you not to ignore your life, your family, or your job by playing the game.

The Bush who cried wolf not helping us



By TERRY L. ESTEP



I knew I'd reached my cynicism saturation point when Tom Ridge issued dire warnings about a new terror plot and the first thing I thought was "I'll believe it when something explodes."

This is not an effective way to protect Americans from terrorist attacks. Osama bin Laden doesn't have to work very hard to cause citizens to lose faith in their government when the president can alienate them on his own.



[ Continue to column... ]

I was really really really cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die planning to come up with something else to write about in this week's column. "I'm going to let Bush slide," I told myself. "There are other topics."



Then Ridge throws in a political plug for Bush while he's raising the terror alert levels in New York and there went my plan. Thanks, guys. They make it too easy.



But that's okay, because I'm still distracted by Final Fantasy XI. I reached Lv. 4 with my Black Mage and met more nice people. A character named Crnholio watched me fighting bumblebees for a bit and decided to unload some of his items on me. He gave me some advice on the game and kept me company for awhile in case I got overwhelmed by enemies. He also warned me to stay away from the Yagudoh because they attack first.



The best moment of the evening came when I wandered out of the city. I stay close to the gate so I can fight weak enemies and retreat when I need to. I stepped out and saw a large party of warriors clustered around, preparing for some journey. As I was wandering among them, a group of large freaky monsters I'd never seen before swarmed out of nowhere and started attacking the group -- me included.



The beasts' opening spell knocked me down to 3HP and sent me scuttling into the weeds to hide and heal. "What were those things?" I asked after the monsters were dispatched and I felt safe returning



"Yagudoh," one of the fighters said. "They're a friendly monster you'll meet out here if you're not careful."



Sweeeeeeeet.

I bought Final Fantasy XI and after many installation adventures and hardware fuck-ups was finally able to play it this evening. This is my second attempt at a Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game (the first was Everquest, which I didn't like). It's also been very satisfying.



I wandered around the city of Windurst for 30 minutes or so as I tried to learn the controls. A nice Level 19 Thief took pity on my newbie status and explained how to trade items. I'd read it was bad manners (and really annoying) for new players to ask for money or items, so I was surprised when she gave me 200 gil and a robe without my asking.



Eventually I managed to find my way out into the wildnerness surrounding the city and started fighting Tiny Mandragoras and Bumblebees for experience points. Plenty of other players were wandering around the battlefield. Many of them watch out for each other; a few cast "Cure" and "Protect" spells on me when I wasn't expecting it, making it easier to keep fighting. I was eventually taken out by a giant caterpiller and had to restart inside the city with some of my experience points taken away.



I even sat down and chatted with a player from Texas. That's me on the left in the screen shot.



I love this game.

I saw M. Night Shyamalan's The Village on Saturday, and I'm still confused because I didn't see Patrick McGoohan's famous character No. 6 strutting around The Village and screaming "I am not a number! I am a free man!" I kept waiting for Joaquin Phoenix to wander into the woods and get attacked by Rover, the big bouncy white ball which suffocates escapees. As modern updates of The Prisoner go, this one sucked ass and failed to answer any questions from that series.



Having said that, it's a pretty good movie on its own. I can understand why the reviews are so split down the middle because I think it's Shyamalan's weakest movie, but even his weakest effort is still pretty damned good. It has a great story and tackles some important themes. I don't buy into the "It's anti-Bush! analysis of the movie as a direct interpretation of what's going on; Shyamalan paints with a broad brush on this one, and there are plenty of other possible targets for his allegorical tale.



It's an "I loved it, but..." kind of movie. It's one of those films that delighted me while at the same time being a little harder to recommend to people who may be looking for something else. I certainly wouldn't suggest it for people with Attention Deficit Disorder; they'll be bored out of their skulls.



But it gave me the urge to watch some of his other stuff, so I spent quality time with Unbreakable Sunday afternoon. I'd forgotten how much I liked that movie.